Presidential History

For a change of pace, here is a an attempt at a humorous, more or less mean-spirited look at US presidential history. This is only loosely based on fact/legend and is not meant to be taken seriously:

George Washington: Washington spent his youth recklessly chopping down people’s cherry trees and throwing money across rivers. He did not take good care of his teeth and had wooden dentures.

As a young man he decided to serve the British Empire by losing battles to the French. He used the fame he gained in his military misadventures to marry a wealthy woman named Martha so as to inherit her father’s slaves. He thus realized his dream of owning a lot of slaves.

Later he turned against his British masters and led the Continental Army to many defeats against the Brits. He did manage to win a few battles and later engaged in a marital affair with Betsy Ross. She later gave birth to the United States of America, and he became the father of our country.

After the war, some people wanted to make him king, but he preferred to be president so he could quit after a few years and spend more time with his slaves. He came down with a mild cold at age 60 which unfortunately was the leading cause of death in those days so he died.

Washington’s legacy is mainly that his last name sounds pretty cool so people have been naming cities, states, schools, and roads after him ever since. He also went camping in a couple places in New Jersey and Pennsylvania that are now parks.

John Adams: As a young Boston lawyer, Adams defended British troops who killed Americans. He later decided this type of thing was bad and joined his drunken cousin in pushing for independence from Great Britain.

After spending the Revolutionary War in Europe accomplishing nothing, he was made Vice President to shut him up. When George Washington quit to return to his slaves, Adams became President and started a war with France, but didn’t really make a big deal about it.
Adams had an irrational fear of space aliens. He also couldn’t handle criticism so he made it a crime to criticize him.

Thanks to the invaluable work of the historian HBO, we now know that Adams’ wife was a nag, his son was a drunken embarrassment, and a doctor cut off his daughter’s breast. Later in life he developed a man crush on Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson: Jefferson is best known for having sex with his slaves and fathering illegitimate children with them.

After plagiarizing some English writers in the Declaration of Independence, he ran off to France to have orgies with Marie Antoinette and Benjamin Franklin and didn’t return to the USA until after the Constitutional Convention.

He hated John Adams so he ran for President to defeat him. He also bought Louisiana from Napoleon, but didn’t keep it for himself and let other Americans kick the Indians out to live there.

Portrait of Thomas Jefferson by Rembrandt Peale.

James Madison: Madison made his fortune forcing slaves to grow tobacco in the tradition of other great American statesmen.

He and Alexander Hamilton had an affair which resulted in the birth of the constitution. Since Madison was the “man” in the relationship, he became known as the Father of the Constitution.

Later as President he started a war with England and Canada which he lost, and he allowed the White House to be burned down. Some guy wrote a song during this time which is sung before all Major League Baseball games.

James Monroe: Monroe’s great contribution as president was to tell Europeans to stay out of the western hemisphere. They did not listen to him.

John Quincy Adams: Like his father, this John Adams was a jerk that no one liked.

Andrew Jackson: Known as “Old Hickory” for his unhealthy obsession with Hickory trees, Jackson was a hillbilly who made a name for himself killing Indians and British soldiers. Despite marrying an already married woman, Jackson was able to get elected president where he paid off the National Debt and ended the Central Bank. No that’s not sarcasm, he actually did that! The Federal Reserve, having no sense of irony, put his picture on the $20 bill.

Martin Van Buren: Van Buren was the first president who wasn’t British or Irish. He was Dutch. Other than that nothing of consequence appears to have happened during his presidency which makes him one of the greatest presidents ever.

William Henry Harrison: Prior to becoming president, Harrison invaded Tippecanoe and slaughtered all the Tippecanese. After being elected, he immediately died.

John Tyler: Tyler was named to the Whig ticket in 1840 as Vice President because his name fit well with the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler too.” After William Henry Harrison died, Tyler became president. That’s pretty much the end of the story.

James K. Polk: The first long-haired hippy to be president, Polk managed to defeat Mexico in a war and take half their land. In the late 20th century, Mexicans took it back.

Zachary Taylor: Taylor had the common 19th century presidential traits of owning slaves and being famous for killing Indians, British, and Mexicans. He died after a little over a year in office.

Millard Fillmore: Notable for being the last Whig Party president, Fillmore was also known for his compromising. A great promoter of property rights, he advocated the passage of the Fugitive Slave Act.

Franklin Pierce: Pierce was a famous prize fighter before he became president. He also invented the cotton gin, baseball, and the steam boat. I’m just kidding. I literally have no idea what this guy did and I don’t feel like reading his Wikipedia page.

James Buchanan: The first openly gay president, Buchanan is considered by historians to be one of the greatest ever. His heroic diplomacy kept the Union together throughout his term in office without resorting to violence.

Abraham Lincoln: Honest Abe had the great distinction of having by far the largest body count during his presidency of any head of state in history up to that time. His greatest accomplishments were killing a lot of people and declaring an end to slavery in territory he had no control over. His greatest failure was not being able to deport all the freed slaves back to Africa where he felt they belonged.

He was married to a crazy woman and slept in bed with other men. A failed actor shot and killed him which makes him a great president and only racists say otherwise.

Andrew Johnson: Johnson became president of the United States and Dictator of the former Confederacy after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. He was impeached by the House of Representatives for vetoing some bill he didn’t like, but was acquitted by the Senate. Historians hate this man primarily because of the smug look on his face.

Ulysses S. Grant: A renowned alcoholic, Grant made a name for himself killing Americans and burning their cities. As president he was perhaps best known for corruption and drunkenness.

Rutherford B. Hayes: Hayes is noteworthy for having the most letters in his first name of any president and having the largest beard up to that point.

James A. Garfield: Garfield followed in the footsteps of earlier Republican presidents by having a beard and getting shot.

Chester A. Arthur: As president, Arthur popularized mutton chops, and later figured prominently in the movie Die Hard: With a Vengeance.

Grover Cleveland: He was the first muppet to be elected president.

Benjamin Harrison: Harrison was elected on the anti-muppet ticket in 1888, but attention quickly turned to the American Indians who suffered their final massacre during his presidency.

Grover Cleveland: A glutton for punishment, Grover managed to get elected president for a second, non-consecutive term. Panic erupted and ended up making him more unpopular than ever. It would be 80 years before Americans could accept muppets again.

William McKinley: One of the angriest men to ever live, McKinley managed to get elected president despite having an Irish name. As a young man, he showed exceptional skill at killing Southerners so naturally as president he decided to declare war on Spain. After that war was over he decided he needed to convert the Catholic Filipinos to Christianity so he invaded their country as well.

Theodore Roosevelt: The ungodly offspring of a bull and a moose, “Teddy” rose up the ranks in US politics as a busybody who harassed “Trusts” and other bogeymen of his day. He jumped at the chance to lead a group of Rough Riders into Cuba to kill some Spanish people.

He became Vice President and then President under suspicious circumstances as his predecessors in both cases died while in office. His rival for the Republican nomination in 1904 also died unexpectedly.

A Nobel Peace Prize winner, Roosevelt waged a war of conquest on the Philippines & stole Panama from Columbia to build a canal. An early 20th century version of John McCain, he threw a tantrum when the US didn’t immediately get involved in World War I.

William Howard Taft: People remember Taft for being the fattest president ever and for little else. He did however manage to get the sixteenth amendment ratified which allowed the Federal government to levy an income tax. So you can thank this fat bastard every April when you have to do your taxes.

Woodrow Wilson: Wilson managed to be everything people hate all rolled into one man: A racist southern religious nut, an asshole from New Jersey, and a know-it-all Ivy League professor.

A true progressive champion of the people, one of the first things he did as president was to hand over the management of the currency to a handful of rich bankers. He set the stage for the majority of presidential candidates to follow him by running for reelection as a peace candidate and then promptly plunging the nation into a bloody foreign war.

In perhaps the worst sin ever committed by an American politician, alcohol was outlawed under President Woodrow Wilson.

Warren G Harding: Harding is primarily remembered, if he’s remembered at all, for allowing some of his drinking buddies to scam a few bucks off of some government boondoggles or something like that. I forget exactly. For this he’s considered one of the worst presidents ever. By modern standards, he’d probably be considered the most ethical.

Calvin Coolidge: Coolidge shut his fucking mouth for 6 years as president, and everyone was pretty happy about it.

Herbert Hoover: Hoover responded to a sharp decline in the stock market by trying to do everything exactly opposite of what most free-market economists would suggest. He raised taxes, increased tariffs, and created public works projects. Somehow this failed to make things better, and he’s blamed for causing the Great Depression because he didn’t intervene in the economy enough.

Franklin D. Roosevelt: An advocate of incest, FDR married his cousin, but then regularly cheated on her primarily with non-blood relations. He taught the handicapped to be ashamed of their disabilities by hiding his from the public.

Roosevelt ran for president mainly appealing to drunks who wanted alcohol legalized. Once in office he followed through on that promise and then proceeded to steal everyone’s gold and erect a giant ponzi scheme to transfer wealth from young people to old people. He was the first politician to truly master the time honored tradition of bribing local party bosses to support his presidency, and was able to get reelected over and over again until he died.

Roosevelt developed a man crush on Winston Churchill and decided he should help his boyfriend by plunging the United States into World War II. To do this he called the Japanese Emperor’s mother a whore, and they attacked Pearl Harbor. Roosevelt responded by locking up all Japanese people in California, and then invading Europe. He was a personal friend of Joseph Stalin.

Harry S. Truman: Serving in France, Truman was very upset that World War I ended, so when he got back home he decided to enter politics as a way to cause further death and destruction.

After helping steal Missouri’s electoral college votes for FDR in 1932, Truman was eventually paid back by being named Vice President for Roosevelt’s last term. He became president after the old man finally died.

The war in Europe was winding down, so Truman decided he should team up with Stalin to force the war weary civilians on death marches all over the place. He then turned on his communist buddy so he dropped some atomic bombs on Japan to scare him. It didn’t seem to impress the Soviet leader, so Truman decided to divide Europe and take half for himself while giving the other half to Russia. When World War II was finally over, Truman started another war in Korea so the American people wouldn’t get soft.

Dwight D. Eisenhower: Eisenhower made his name by commanding allied forces in Europe during World War II and letting the Russians do most of the fighting. He ran for president promising to “go to Korea.” This impressed people because Korea was really far away so they voted for him.

His greatest achievement was building up the Military Industrial Complex we still enjoy today. He had been very impressed with the Nazi’s highway system so he emulated it in the United States. He also put a bunch of former Nazis in charge of the space program which eventually led to some really cool stuff.

John F. Kennedy: Kennedy was one of the best presidents ever because he was young, had a good looking wife, and he was shot to death. The first Catholic president, he also holds the distinction of having cheated on his wife with the most different women while president even though he was in office for less than 3 years.

The Soviets put some missiles in Cuba during his presidency in response to the CIA’s invasion of that island the previous year. Kennedy refrained from launching a nuclear holocaust, and the Russians later removed the missiles.

Lyndon Baines Johnson: After JFK toned down the warmongering that helped him get elected, Vice President LBJ killed him so he could take over and start the Vietnam War. He also wanted to make society great so he started bribing old people to vote for him and paying single women to have babies.  In his spare time he liked to torture dogs.

Richard Nixon: Nixon is second only to Hitler as the worst person to ever live because some guys broke into a hotel room or something like that. Nixon was a good friend of former Chinese Communist mass murderer, Chairman Mao. He promised to end the Vietnam War and did so by very slowly losing it. He was also the first president to realize that even foreigners would pretend that little pieces of green paper with pictures of dead Americans are valuable.  In an attempt to pander to scared old WASP’s he declared war on some plants they don’t like.

Gerald Ford: Ford is best known for being retarded and falling down a lot.

Jimmy Carter: Most Americans today hate Carter because he was president during the Disco era. His greatest achievement was bribing Egypt and Israel to be nice to each other with American tax dollars.

Ronald Reagan: “The Gipper” was well known for acting in a bunch of crappy movies that no one remembered when he entered politics. A small government conservative, Reagan increased spending while lowering taxes, thus proving there was no limit to what government could do including locking people up for growing certain plants.

He had seen the movie Star Wars and got delusions about building the Death Star to confront the Soviet Union. For some reason this stood in the way of a treaty to end nuclear weapons. He created al Qaeda which he used to defeat communism. Later he became incoherent and people stopped listening to him.

George H. W. Bush: Papa Bush had been CIA director so naturally Americans trusted him to run a transparent government. Since the Cold War ended during his presidency, he decided to use this peace dividend to launch wars against Panama, Iraq, and Somalia which were all very big threats to US security.

Bill Clinton: The illegitimate son of drunken hillbillies, Clinton was the perfect man to lead America into the 21st century. He accomplished little domestically other than to murder a bunch of religious fanatics in Texas and piss off Republicans. His greatest accomplishments were probably his successful effort to give NATO security guarantees to every shitty little European country and bomb the hell out of Serbia and Iraq.  He also got a blowjob from a fat chick.

George W. Bush: In the spirit of Bipartisanship, Bush Jr. became the first Republican president to offer a new very large bribe to old people with his Medicare Part D program, following in the traditions of Democrats FDR and LBJ.

It was on the international stage where Bush really shined. In response to the Terrorist attacks of 9/11, which were carried out by freedom-hating Muslims who hated America for being free, the president launched costly invasions and occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan. That the actual terrorists were Saudi was irrelevant Bush wisely assured the nation.

Realizing that the USA had much to learn from the Nazis, he created the Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Security Administration so that Americans could be harassed by the government when they want to travel.  This made Muslims not hate Americans as much because they were less free now.

His greatest accomplishment was stealing a trillion dollars directly from the public and handing it over to wealthy Bankers.

Barrack Obama: Obama is the first president to be Muslim, Communist, and half black. Because of this he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is also the Messiah.

Very much in touch with his African roots, he decided to bomb an African country early on in his presidency. He attempted to continue the occupation of Iraq, but when their government wouldn’t agree to his terms, he took credit for ending that war. He also took credit for ending the war in Afghanistan despite the fact that he never ended it, and added tens of thousands of troops.

On the home front, he too realized that Fascists had much to teach us so he took over the car industry, mortgage industry, health insurance industry, and student loan industry. But he’s no socialist because he still allows private interests to make a profit while subsidizing any possible losses.  He also instructed the TSA to begin groping children.

2 thoughts on “Presidential History

  1. what information is on vietanm era marine corps dog tags?I have my father’s dog tags from when he served in the Marines in the Vietnam war era. I believe under his name and initials is his age and then birthday but I am not positive as the day is off by two days from the birthday I thought he had. Now the soldiers ssn is used but as this number is only 7 long it cannot be that. Can anyone tell me what that number is for sure?

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