America

America, also known as USA, Murica, or The Great Satan, is a country in the Northern part of the better Hemisphere.  It’s currently the largest country in the world, both in population and land mass, and has been chosen to rule the world by the United Nations which is also located in America.

History:

America was discovered by Christopher Columbus, an Italian, in 1492.  Hundreds of years later, actual Americans showed up from England and conquered the Indians who fled back to their own country now known as India.  These early Americans were religious fanatics, or Jesus Freaks as they liked to be called, who founded the new country on the freedom to worship Jesus.

In 1776 George Washington declared himself independent from the King of England and launched a bloody war that killed millions.  This officially made America a country unlike Canada, which continued to maintain their status as a British Bitch for another thousand years.

In 1861, Abraham Lincoln decided to free the slaves by burning half the country to the ground and murdering anyone who stood in his way.  This tactic proved successful and the slaves were then free to pick cotton or tobacco for rich white people.

America fought two wars in Europe in the twentieth century which caused them to be World Wars.  The first was fought so that England could take over the rest of the world. This proved to much for the English to handle, so America fought another war and took over the world for itself, relegating England to the role of sidekick or the more technical term of “poodle.”

Since then America has ruled the whole world except China and Russia.  On occasion, a country like Korea, Vietnam, or Iraq has attempted to disrupt world order so America has been forced to unleash its death squads to these remote outposts of the Far East to get them back in line.

Demographics:

America was 90% American until the 1990’s, when billions of foreigners began moving there to take advantage of its welfare system.  As of the 2010 census, America has a population of 10 billion.  The ethnic breakdown is as follows:

  • American: 50%
  • Mexican: 30%
  • Black: 10%
  • Chinese: 5%
  • Jewish: 2%
  • Muslim Terrorist: 2%
  • Less than 1% of the following: Canadian, Greek, Puerto Rican, Filipino, Italian

ReligIon: The most common religion among Americans is Christian accounting for approximately 60% of the population.  Here is the complete breakdown:

  • Christian: 60%
  • Democrat: 15%
  • Catholic: 10%
  • Muslim: 7%
  • Islamic: 2%
  • 1% each of the following: Mormon:, Snake Handler, Witch, Jewish, Rastafarian

Language: Ethnic Americans speak American.  However, due to rapid Demographic shifts in recent decades, residents now speak a wide variety of languages:

  • American: 50%
  • Mexican 35%
  • Ebonics: 5%
  • Arabic: 5%
  • Iranian: 2%
  • English: 1%
  • Less than 1% each of the following: Canadian, Hebrew, African, French, Chinese

Government:

America is a constitutional republic, which means the President acts as dictator while a Congress meets occasionally to call him names and demand more war.  Elections are held every so often where citizens are given a choice of voting for a Republicrat or a Democan who are pre-approved by Goldman Sachs.

The Capital of America is Washington DC located in the bad part of Maryland so very few people outside of the government go there except for the mandatory and deadly 8th grade class field trip.  This is a right of passage for every young American which they must survive before they can join the military.

America has a written constitution that guarantees certain rights for all Americans such as the right to remain silent and the right to obey the law.

America runs a worldwide Military Empire that rules over every Nation in the world except China and Russia.  However, the American government treats its dependencies very differently in a seemingly irrational orgy of military spending and outright hatred.  For example, Washington spends billions of dollars propping up Israel’s military while also waging never ending wars on their behalf.  At the same time, they basically starve people to death in places like Cuba and Iran by limiting their contact with neighboring countries.

Economy:

America has a fascist economic system that is based on waging never ending war and building weapons.  The other major sectors of the economy include mining, entertainment, banking, and landscaping.

Chief exports include the following: Bombs, Guns, Tanks, Death, Democracy, Pornography, Rap Music, and green pieces of paper with pictures of dead presidents.  Americans also extract raw materials from the ground and export them to countries who can use them for constructive purposes.

The main imports are as follows: Mexicans, Foreigners, Marijuana, Cocaine, Heroin, Clothes, Food, and just about everything people need to survive.

Allies:

  • England
  • Israel
  • Australia
  • Some Caribbean Islands

Enemies:

  • Russia
  • China
  • Iran
  • Syria
  • Muslim Terrorists
  • Al-Qaeda
  • Terrorism in General
  • Islam
  • ISIS
  • France
  • Israel
  • Cuba
  • Venezuela
  • Drugs
  • Cancer
  • Illiteracy
  • Obesity
  • North Korea
  • Crime
  • Drunk Driving
  • Communism

National Heroes:

  • George Washington
  • Abraham Lincoln
  • Babe Ruth
  • Paul Bunyan
  • Ronald Reagan
  • Tom Sawyer
  • Homer Simpson
  • Adam Sandler
  • OJ Simpson
  • Katy Perry.

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